Buffering...Are You OK?

Buffering...
"Are you OK?" 
I've literally been asked that question an infinite number of times.  I am grateful when someone shows genuine concern.  I am.  I realize how lucky I am to have people in my life that actually give a shit.  But for just a moment, I'm going to tell you how annoying that question is.  It's right up there with "How are you feeling"?  When someone leans in and looks at me like they feel such a deep, dark pity for me that it actually pains them to ask me how I am doing.  It makes me feel the opposite of OK. 
I also realize that if anyone other than my Mother (Hi Mom) is reading this there will inevitably be people, or a person, that thinks that I am an ungrateful asshole for even thinking this let alone writing about it.
But when you have a chronic illness for which there is no cure and you are hospitalized for at least a week four to five times a year, those questions are loaded.  Do you know how long I have thought about what to say when someone asks me "How are you feeling"?  What if  I answer truthfully? What if I say that I am feeling like shit and I'm tired from all of the mediations and the hot flashes from said medications?  Or what if I tell them I can't sleep?  Or tell them how I go through like five rolls of toilet paper a day?  Do you honestly think that an actual answer is wanted?  Or, horror of all horrors, is it just a way for THEM to feel better in having heard that I was just in the hospital for the umpteenth time? 
Cue ungrateful bitch face.
I have to say it.  I mean, I know I cannot be the only one living with an invisible illness, or any illness, that is really sick and tired of people asking "Are you OK?"  NO! I want to shout sometimes! I AM NOT OK! In fact I am the opposite of OK.  I am fucking pissed and in pain! And I have eaten so many Zofran to deal with this 24/7 nausea that I am starting to fear that those scary side effects might actually start happening to me.  Two heads! Do I have two heads now? Great! That's just f'ing great! One more thing... And so it goes...
The real question is what does it take?  What does it take to handle this? What does it take to not only live with an illness but to handle the ripple effects of it?  Because I will tell you that strength wavers.  You can be the most mentally tough person alive and there will still be moments when you want to scream and give up.  Pity.  Self -pity.  That's what they call it, right? "Feeling sorry for yourself." Even that is annoying.  Everything about the phrase "feeling sorry for yourself" is annoying to me.  Sure, we all know that person that lives in a perpetual state of "why me?"  And they are annoying, right.  Yes.  I know that.  However, feeling bad about your shitty situation is perfectly normal.  You just can't live there.  And maybe that is part of my taking issue with the question "Are you OK?" 
Most mornings I have to make the conscious decision not to wallow in the "Why me?'.  When I open my eyes, I say out loud "Today is going to be great!"  And of course I know that just because that is how I want my day to be it does not mean that is how the day will go.  But I've learned that if I give it a good try, it may end up not being so bad.  It's like taking my brain to the gym.  Thinking positive thoughts is the equivalent of running on a tread mill to train for a marathon.  And isn't that what life is? A marathon. 
So, when someone asks me "How are you feeling?" it's like a reminder of the illness that I am trying to defeat, to deal with. It is a reminder that I haven't been good or OK.   It's a tiny little setback, if you will.  Or at least that is what it feels like sometimes.  And since I'm being honest, there are moments when it feels like that is the only thing that I talk about anymore.  Like Crohn's has somehow become my identity and I am now one-dimensional.  Like I am a sketch on a piece of paper with the word "Crohn's" scribbled on my forehead.  Can you see how frustrating that might be?
And deep down I know that isn't true.  I know most people actually care and really want to know how I'm doing.  I know.  This is just another ripple effect of the disease. It affects everyone that genuinely cares about me.  And that is frustrating too.  So now I'm feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad... Wait, what?
I don't know.  I guess maybe the point is that everything about Crohn's disease and illness is irritating.  But without friction there would be no fire.  Without pressure there would be no diamonds.  And if you are always comfortable, how or why would you change?  Grow? 
And maybe THAT is the point--Learning to use the terrible, uncomfortableness as a tool for me to grow into a better person.  I have to find the positive in all this negative.  The light.  I have to find the lesson.  Because isn't that what all of us really want at our core? A purpose.  We all just want to figure out the meaning, the why. 
And even if I never figure out why at least I can take my pain and use it for good.  Give my pain a purpose, that is what I want to do.  That will be the light in the darkness.  That will be the lesson. 


I still don't know what to say when someone asks me if I am OK.  If  I answer with "Good." it just leads to more questions.  "Really?!" "How?!" "What have you been doing...?" Etc. Etc.  I just keep reminding myself that they mean well, that they care.  And I feel grateful for that, for them.  Maybe eventually I will figure out the correct answer?  While I tip my hat and learn, growing in gratitude and patience (and buy toilet paper in bulk)  I'll keep giving the lame-ass answer "Just hangin in there."

healthy self-- heal thy self

What does it mean to "Be Healthy"?  Honestly, think about it for a second... What is health? If you go by what the TV, magazines and most social medias say the "healthy" girl/guy is just a skinny, smiling person that looks blissfully unaware and is dressed impeccably. So what is it really? Does being healthy mean that you don't have any symptoms of illness? If you can eat whatever you want and still fit into those size 2 Levi's are you healthy? If you do meatless Monday are you a healthy person? What about if you go to the gym several days a week but you eat packaged, processed, chemical laden foods and of course still fit in those size two's? What if you do a juice cleanse?  What if...??? I could go on and on. This is an issue I've thought about extensively. And for obvious reasons I really, REALLY want to be healthy! So what is health? And how do you get it? 

On the road to wellness I've learned more than a few things about health and having a healthy body that functions properly. I've learned a lot about food as well. I'm not a doctor or a certified nutritionist of any kind. I'm just a person that's been so sick for so long that I've become borderline obsessed with figuring out what I can do and how I can, BE healthy. Can I heal myself? 

Hippocrates said "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food."  Doctors still repeat the Hippocratic oath to this day.  However,  western medicine had strayed so far from food, nutrition and feeding the body to allow it to do what it was designed to do, heal.  Today it's all about the "magic pill."  It's the quick-fix mentality.  It's big pharma turning the healthcare system into a corporation.  Simply put, it's all about money.  It's sad.  There's no money in healthy people.  There's no money in dead people either.  (Unless of course you're talking to a funeral director.)  The money is in keeping unaware people just sick enough to need all those medications.  Think about it.  Seriously, there was an ad for opiate induced constipation during the super bowl.  THE SUPER BOWL! The most expensive time slots available for television advertising! And instead of ads focused on eating right and exercising the time was used to let us all know to "ask your doctor" about this great new drug.  I mean, there's a drug for the "jimmy leg." I think they call it "restless leg syndrome."  Have you ever bothered to listen to the long list of side effects to these drugs? Wow! 

Once I was standing at the desk in my GI doctor's office waiting to schedule my next appointment.  And standing next to me was a pharmaceutical rep talking to one of the other doctors in the practice.  And I heard him say something to the affect of  "...it doesn't cross the blood-brain barrier... there is a slight risk of death but..."  And like verbal diarrhea (pun not intended) I said "Well, you might be dead but at least your stomach won't hurt anymore!"  Then I kind of giggled because I could not believe that came flying out of my mouth.  The medical assistant looked at me smirked and said "Wow! You really caught on to that pretty fast."  Then the pharma rep turned to me and I could tell that my comment angered him, and he said "Believe me, some of these patients wish they were dead!"  My response? "Believe me sir, you have absolutely no idea who you are talking to!  You are literally preaching to the choir!"  He turned bright red.  My hope is that maybe, just maybe he will think about what he is doing.  I hope. 

Now, do not misunderstand me.  I am not 100% against medication.  Just like I am not 100% against doctors and hospitals.  Like my first homeopathic doctor told me, there are emergency rooms for a reason.  Good reason.  Believe me when I say that as much as I despise going to the hospital, when the pain is so bad that I have trouble breathing and have been consumed by tears, I am beyond grateful for the hospital AND the medications contained in it.  There are some life saving medications and definitely life saving surgeries and procedures.  I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the emergency surgery I had when I was 20 years old.  My intestine was completely blocked and on the verge of bursting.  It would have killed me.  So I am grateful and I have first had experience with the almost miraculous abilities of western medicine.  I am all for going to the hospital in this kind of situation.  With that being said I go back to my original point, western medicine has come so far from where it started. 

A lot of these modern conditions, autoimmune diseases and their symptoms can be controlled by diet and exercise.  No pills needed.  And no terrible side effects or death to achieve optimum health. 


So, what is health?  Honestly, I think the answer will vary person to person.  After all, every BODY is different.  My definition changes day to day with one constant... I just want to feel better!  I'm still healing.  I haven't been able to reach remission in almost seven years.  I've had four surgeries in those seven years, one of them almost killed me.  I've been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance for an allergic reaction to a medication.  I couldn't breathe and my partner had to call 911.  Did I mention that I was only home from the hospital for less than 24 hours when that happened?  Anyway, I've been through a lot with this Crohn's disease.  This journey started 22 years ago and will continue on regardless of what I do.  As of now there is no real "cure."  So, I continue to search, read books and articles, anything I can get my hands on.  I watch documentaries.  I ask questions.  I feed my body good food from the earth.  I don't just see a commercial and ask my doctor for a pill to "fix" me. Let food be thy medicine, right?!
I am gathering as much information as I possibly can to figure out how I can achieve optimum health; AKA feel better. 


How do you feel? Healthy?

What's in your medicine cabinet?
What's in your refrigerator?