Buffering...Are You OK?

Buffering...
"Are you OK?" 
I've literally been asked that question an infinite number of times.  I am grateful when someone shows genuine concern.  I am.  I realize how lucky I am to have people in my life that actually give a shit.  But for just a moment, I'm going to tell you how annoying that question is.  It's right up there with "How are you feeling"?  When someone leans in and looks at me like they feel such a deep, dark pity for me that it actually pains them to ask me how I am doing.  It makes me feel the opposite of OK. 
I also realize that if anyone other than my Mother (Hi Mom) is reading this there will inevitably be people, or a person, that thinks that I am an ungrateful asshole for even thinking this let alone writing about it.
But when you have a chronic illness for which there is no cure and you are hospitalized for at least a week four to five times a year, those questions are loaded.  Do you know how long I have thought about what to say when someone asks me "How are you feeling"?  What if  I answer truthfully? What if I say that I am feeling like shit and I'm tired from all of the mediations and the hot flashes from said medications?  Or what if I tell them I can't sleep?  Or tell them how I go through like five rolls of toilet paper a day?  Do you honestly think that an actual answer is wanted?  Or, horror of all horrors, is it just a way for THEM to feel better in having heard that I was just in the hospital for the umpteenth time? 
Cue ungrateful bitch face.
I have to say it.  I mean, I know I cannot be the only one living with an invisible illness, or any illness, that is really sick and tired of people asking "Are you OK?"  NO! I want to shout sometimes! I AM NOT OK! In fact I am the opposite of OK.  I am fucking pissed and in pain! And I have eaten so many Zofran to deal with this 24/7 nausea that I am starting to fear that those scary side effects might actually start happening to me.  Two heads! Do I have two heads now? Great! That's just f'ing great! One more thing... And so it goes...
The real question is what does it take?  What does it take to handle this? What does it take to not only live with an illness but to handle the ripple effects of it?  Because I will tell you that strength wavers.  You can be the most mentally tough person alive and there will still be moments when you want to scream and give up.  Pity.  Self -pity.  That's what they call it, right? "Feeling sorry for yourself." Even that is annoying.  Everything about the phrase "feeling sorry for yourself" is annoying to me.  Sure, we all know that person that lives in a perpetual state of "why me?"  And they are annoying, right.  Yes.  I know that.  However, feeling bad about your shitty situation is perfectly normal.  You just can't live there.  And maybe that is part of my taking issue with the question "Are you OK?" 
Most mornings I have to make the conscious decision not to wallow in the "Why me?'.  When I open my eyes, I say out loud "Today is going to be great!"  And of course I know that just because that is how I want my day to be it does not mean that is how the day will go.  But I've learned that if I give it a good try, it may end up not being so bad.  It's like taking my brain to the gym.  Thinking positive thoughts is the equivalent of running on a tread mill to train for a marathon.  And isn't that what life is? A marathon. 
So, when someone asks me "How are you feeling?" it's like a reminder of the illness that I am trying to defeat, to deal with. It is a reminder that I haven't been good or OK.   It's a tiny little setback, if you will.  Or at least that is what it feels like sometimes.  And since I'm being honest, there are moments when it feels like that is the only thing that I talk about anymore.  Like Crohn's has somehow become my identity and I am now one-dimensional.  Like I am a sketch on a piece of paper with the word "Crohn's" scribbled on my forehead.  Can you see how frustrating that might be?
And deep down I know that isn't true.  I know most people actually care and really want to know how I'm doing.  I know.  This is just another ripple effect of the disease. It affects everyone that genuinely cares about me.  And that is frustrating too.  So now I'm feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad... Wait, what?
I don't know.  I guess maybe the point is that everything about Crohn's disease and illness is irritating.  But without friction there would be no fire.  Without pressure there would be no diamonds.  And if you are always comfortable, how or why would you change?  Grow? 
And maybe THAT is the point--Learning to use the terrible, uncomfortableness as a tool for me to grow into a better person.  I have to find the positive in all this negative.  The light.  I have to find the lesson.  Because isn't that what all of us really want at our core? A purpose.  We all just want to figure out the meaning, the why. 
And even if I never figure out why at least I can take my pain and use it for good.  Give my pain a purpose, that is what I want to do.  That will be the light in the darkness.  That will be the lesson. 


I still don't know what to say when someone asks me if I am OK.  If  I answer with "Good." it just leads to more questions.  "Really?!" "How?!" "What have you been doing...?" Etc. Etc.  I just keep reminding myself that they mean well, that they care.  And I feel grateful for that, for them.  Maybe eventually I will figure out the correct answer?  While I tip my hat and learn, growing in gratitude and patience (and buy toilet paper in bulk)  I'll keep giving the lame-ass answer "Just hangin in there."